Love should have a warning on the back like cigarettes.

So I am going to ust be flat out and admit yes I love him. I waited along time to admit it to my friends. But only after going through what I went through and still thinking about that person everyday after can you be in love. I missed him ALOT. But let me reccap.

Last time I talked to you all Mr.Right and I were having some trouble. We got back on track and then the shit hit the fan. He stop giving me the good. You know what i mean! I was like "how dare you tease me like this." One night I was cooking dinner and yes it was fianls but I had nto seen him in weeks and missed him dearly. So on a very random and funny phone call he yells "Why don't you cook something, like just have food for me! lol" So I said I would and made a date to come to his house and cook. So while I was there I cooked everything under the sun in order to feed my man. I should have known the day wasn't going to go the way I wanted it to when I would stop at different times and ask for kisses...only to be turned down and told "I'm tryign to watch this, just cook." So I was like ok, le tme just hurry up and cook so I can spend some time with him on the couch. He later came into the kitchen to flirt and kiss and hug so I was easil satisifed for the moment. We sat at the table prayed over our food and began to talk about life. I loved his conversation and still do to this day. He didn't know that his every adverb, noun and adjective turned me on. We later retired to the couch to watch tv and talk. He all of a sudden got up and said "come on, go to the back lets take a nap for a minute before I have to get back to studying." I was extremely excited and got in the bed to cuddle. And that was honestly all I got. A cuddle. Now I am a very serious cuddler and it is one of my favorite pass times lol. So after trying to seduce him a couple times i got upset and asked him waht was wrong..."I'm celibate" he said. I would have rather him say anything else. NOT THE C BOMB. I asked where did this come from?.. he was talking but now I can honestly say I can recollect everything he said before that but anything after is now a blurr.... all I remember is tears, fighting, hugging, kisssing, and tears again. Only for me to leave out of the door and speeding off in my car the wronf direction because I was so messed up! lol

So I later went home told my girls they gave me the "MEN AIN'T SHIT" speech. And I went to facebook. I wrote an apology letter to my girls who told me to leave him alone after the first couple set of rocks we had to get over. And he called.... Now ladies this whole time I was trying to be strong, we would argue before and I would always be either first to call or pic up on the first ring, something was different about this time, my phone was dead and I got a voice mail form him wanting to talk I decided to not call back and let him know how angry I really was. Now he got on facebook to write me and read my note.. He claims it hurt him and this I still doubt but maybe?

So I call the next day to talk to him and figure things out... no pick up. I go to facebook... we aren't friends anymore. lol right? So I get a text telling me to check my email. I am in McDonalds with my friend eating and then I feel sick, I read the eamil piece by piece on my phone getting more sick but the sylable. He pretty much wrote me a go fuck yourself you little girl letter. I began crying histarically only to end up throwing up in the parking lot. To make a long story fun size I went into severe depression, got sick, left school and my cell phone and shut myself off from the world for a little bit (a week) lol. With the help of my baby brothers sponge bob and pizza cure and my gurls.... I made it out. I honestly can't tell someone about the pain I felt without crying. You know you love someone when they can say some of the most hurtfull things in the world to you and yet you still want them to hold you...crazy I know, but people smoke ciggarettes.


So I was on my way with my girls on our way to meet this guy I had just started to talk too and as I stop to get something to drink, I saw him on the store. I wasn't sure what I could have said to him if I went in, I probably would have tried ot ignore him and stop myself from crying, but thank God my friend Jess "girl I'll go get it for you" (thanks boo).

So a month or so goes by and I built a good relationship with one of his friends a really tight brother sister relationship. So I had no choice but to talk about old times. He would remind me that sometimes I would bring his name into the convo and we wouldn't even be talking about him lol. But I realized I really really missed him. So I moved into my new place and one of my bf's friends lived across the hall. We built a great friendship and I told him about the craziness I went through during the semester... Lo and behold....I get and email the next day " I thought about you today" I almost cried and didn't reply for a few days, honestly because I wanted to reply I love you btu I didn't and don't want to scare him away. Its nothing worst thatn loving someone who don't love you. So I htought about what I would reply.....two days later I said " Oh thats funny I thought about you today too. How is Miami?." He replied back a day later saying it was hto and about his job.... and at the end he asked if we could be on talking terms again and he apologized for hurting me. Now you would think that would honestly be exactly what I wanted to here... but I wasn't sure. I went to go talk to my brother aka his bestfriend about it. He told me "be honest with him, tell him your scared. I think its funny that girls can say they never wnat to tlk to us again and then later come back and apologize, but we can't do that." But I could understand what he was aying but in this case, I couldn't think of anythign that would make me want to leave him or hurt him like he did me. NOTHING.

So long story bite size, I worte a very cunning and brisk email expressing that I really was hurt and even quoted some of his own words form his previous email. But gave in and said yes. So we began texting and he was sweet at first "I miss your face", "promise you'll call me" "you stayed and stay on my mind".... btu here we are two weeks later and things are back to normal. I haven't spoken to him but 20 secs here and there every few days. And I find myself getting kind of turned off. He is supposed to be coming back in a few days and we have a date set up. But honeslty I don't know if that is still standing simply because he has other commitments for his time here and I won't cancel a whoel day of my life to wait for him to give me a few miuntes. I'm really trying to live by the fraise.. "don't make someone a priority when your only an option." So this is where the fairy tale ends for right now.... I will keep you posted on how this all pans out.

Black Woman Syndrome

Now this is in no wat racist because I am multi-racial myslef. So when I say "black woman" I mean that this is something I see comign more from my black side. Make since...o well never mind. But for real for real, on my last blog I started to think about how most of us can start tripping our selves up before we start to walk. Now funny thing is we are our worst enemies. I find myself thinking about my relationship and being paranoid about when it will end before it has even started. I think abotu whether or not I am doing everything right. Is my hair ok? does he like my clothes? does he like the way I smell? Am I talking to much? I find myslef apologizing for things I am really nto sorry about. Now this make sme think is it the persont hat is making me act so crazy or is it my fear of another failing relationship. I was tlaking with my best friend Davida today and I thought " What happens if I never get married? If Iam like 39 and on the brink of menopause (spell check!) and not ven close to marriage? Now your probbly tinking this chick is only 19 why is she so worried. Well this is the kind of stuff that has worried me since kindergarden. WOW I know but I can't help it. On my 18th brithday I cried in my dorm room because I felt like I was getting old and the years were flying by. Now this is due to bein raised by older people who scare you into to thinking adult hood is horrible and you shoudl live while you can. I am so afraid of all the shit int his world that I REALLY DON'T LIVE. Now I have set a plan perfectly for everythign coming. I am goign to finish college, teach in DCPS a few years then go to law school maybe vice-versa btu by the time I'm thirty I want to be married. Now the guy Iam dating would probaly say "Iam putting the horese before the carriage" and he is right. But he is apart of my strategic plan HA HA! lol He is significantly older than me, so I figure by the time I am ready to get married and have kids he will be too. He will be in his nesting stage and finish sewing his royal oats. But that poses the question of what do I do in the mean time? Do I stay with him, ride out the bull shit and then keep him around for when he is ripe for the picking? But he is not fruit! lol I want him to be the one, but what scares me is if he isn't how many heart breaks do I have to got through in the mean time?? And why am I going through this??

Well I have self diagnosed myself. My name is Gabrielle, and I have Black Woman Syndrome aka BWS. I mean since the day I was born I have been cute for a light skinned girl, cute for a black girl, cute for a spanish girl, cute for a mixed girl. I have had to compete with everyone to be noticed. I saw my parents go through a silent but deadly divorce and like most divorced kids I am fearfull of commitment. I am also afraid of starting a family with anyone. What if they leave me? What they leave our kids? Would I shut down like my mother did? Will I do what I have to do to be a parent, but not a mother?? Its so funny how we spend so much time looking for someone's hands to put our life in. We searchthe world and go through it as head strong and on edge people looking for someone to be vulnerable with. What happens when that person is not vulnerable to you. Who is to say that you don't meet your true love in 2nd grade and it is your responsibilty to find that person later in life? Why marry conveinience and not compatibility? I still to this day think about my kindergarden crush, and I don't think a day has gone by when I haven' thought of him. See Black women when we love, we love hard and sometimes that person can't really take it. And that triggers the symptoms of the syndrome. We become on edge and never really feel strong enough to open up again. Every person that we love takes a piece of you, and after a while you get tired of giving all of your self, thats the first stage. Second stage you become a man eater, you never give them what they want but you take what you need and as the end result makign it worst for the next woman, only spreadign the desease even further because he will trigger the same things in her. Third and final stage is the final turining point either you make it or you dont, its critical. We find another person to open us up, but its way after the war on love has begun, you feel trapped and confused because you want ot give your all, but that is trully the last of you. So if you give your all and everythign works perfect then thank God and love like you have never loved before . But the less fortunate version is when you love again and your heart is ripped,pissed on and thrown away by a fly away love. Whats next you ask.... CRITICAL CONDITION.. aka Bitte Black Woman Syndorme. THat is by far the worst because it becomes highly contagious and that is when the cats start movign in and the weight is gained. And then you become another BBW.

Now on the lighter side, I am young and I am preparing myself for this. Now there is never anything wrong with preparation but in this case, not to be redundant, but I am tripping myself up. I am consumed with ideas of failure and defeat when really I need to be growing and succedding in life and love. But why do we seperate them?? Isn't I life spent loving the only life worth living? So now I pledge to live my life in every moment. And like a very important lady in my life says "Carpe Diem, Seize the day!" Sometimes we hear the answers to the test everyday and never pay it attention. I think I 'm ready world. I know I have about 14 more gallons of tears to cry but I have about a billion more smiles coming. Especially if things work out the way I plan. lol But the first stage of stayign healthy is prevention, and to prevent something you have to know about it..... knowledge is power i a loving Life.