Black Woman Syndrome

Now this is in no wat racist because I am multi-racial myslef. So when I say "black woman" I mean that this is something I see comign more from my black side. Make since...o well never mind. But for real for real, on my last blog I started to think about how most of us can start tripping our selves up before we start to walk. Now funny thing is we are our worst enemies. I find myself thinking about my relationship and being paranoid about when it will end before it has even started. I think abotu whether or not I am doing everything right. Is my hair ok? does he like my clothes? does he like the way I smell? Am I talking to much? I find myslef apologizing for things I am really nto sorry about. Now this make sme think is it the persont hat is making me act so crazy or is it my fear of another failing relationship. I was tlaking with my best friend Davida today and I thought " What happens if I never get married? If Iam like 39 and on the brink of menopause (spell check!) and not ven close to marriage? Now your probbly tinking this chick is only 19 why is she so worried. Well this is the kind of stuff that has worried me since kindergarden. WOW I know but I can't help it. On my 18th brithday I cried in my dorm room because I felt like I was getting old and the years were flying by. Now this is due to bein raised by older people who scare you into to thinking adult hood is horrible and you shoudl live while you can. I am so afraid of all the shit int his world that I REALLY DON'T LIVE. Now I have set a plan perfectly for everythign coming. I am goign to finish college, teach in DCPS a few years then go to law school maybe vice-versa btu by the time I'm thirty I want to be married. Now the guy Iam dating would probaly say "Iam putting the horese before the carriage" and he is right. But he is apart of my strategic plan HA HA! lol He is significantly older than me, so I figure by the time I am ready to get married and have kids he will be too. He will be in his nesting stage and finish sewing his royal oats. But that poses the question of what do I do in the mean time? Do I stay with him, ride out the bull shit and then keep him around for when he is ripe for the picking? But he is not fruit! lol I want him to be the one, but what scares me is if he isn't how many heart breaks do I have to got through in the mean time?? And why am I going through this??

Well I have self diagnosed myself. My name is Gabrielle, and I have Black Woman Syndrome aka BWS. I mean since the day I was born I have been cute for a light skinned girl, cute for a black girl, cute for a spanish girl, cute for a mixed girl. I have had to compete with everyone to be noticed. I saw my parents go through a silent but deadly divorce and like most divorced kids I am fearfull of commitment. I am also afraid of starting a family with anyone. What if they leave me? What they leave our kids? Would I shut down like my mother did? Will I do what I have to do to be a parent, but not a mother?? Its so funny how we spend so much time looking for someone's hands to put our life in. We searchthe world and go through it as head strong and on edge people looking for someone to be vulnerable with. What happens when that person is not vulnerable to you. Who is to say that you don't meet your true love in 2nd grade and it is your responsibilty to find that person later in life? Why marry conveinience and not compatibility? I still to this day think about my kindergarden crush, and I don't think a day has gone by when I haven' thought of him. See Black women when we love, we love hard and sometimes that person can't really take it. And that triggers the symptoms of the syndrome. We become on edge and never really feel strong enough to open up again. Every person that we love takes a piece of you, and after a while you get tired of giving all of your self, thats the first stage. Second stage you become a man eater, you never give them what they want but you take what you need and as the end result makign it worst for the next woman, only spreadign the desease even further because he will trigger the same things in her. Third and final stage is the final turining point either you make it or you dont, its critical. We find another person to open us up, but its way after the war on love has begun, you feel trapped and confused because you want ot give your all, but that is trully the last of you. So if you give your all and everythign works perfect then thank God and love like you have never loved before . But the less fortunate version is when you love again and your heart is ripped,pissed on and thrown away by a fly away love. Whats next you ask.... CRITICAL CONDITION.. aka Bitte Black Woman Syndorme. THat is by far the worst because it becomes highly contagious and that is when the cats start movign in and the weight is gained. And then you become another BBW.

Now on the lighter side, I am young and I am preparing myself for this. Now there is never anything wrong with preparation but in this case, not to be redundant, but I am tripping myself up. I am consumed with ideas of failure and defeat when really I need to be growing and succedding in life and love. But why do we seperate them?? Isn't I life spent loving the only life worth living? So now I pledge to live my life in every moment. And like a very important lady in my life says "Carpe Diem, Seize the day!" Sometimes we hear the answers to the test everyday and never pay it attention. I think I 'm ready world. I know I have about 14 more gallons of tears to cry but I have about a billion more smiles coming. Especially if things work out the way I plan. lol But the first stage of stayign healthy is prevention, and to prevent something you have to know about it..... knowledge is power i a loving Life.