I want to write this to remind myself of this very feeling. The feeling of hurt, betrayal and anger. I have not spoken with HIM in about 4days. He was suppose to come and visit me on Friday after he was done with everything he had to do. Now..... I called him and he did not answer. Called Saturday... No answer. Called on Sunday...no answer again! And here I am on Monday still with out a phone call nothing! Its funny because I did the ultimate "girl" thing and called from another number and he did not pick up. But later on called the number back but did not call my number back! What kind of BULLSHIT is that? I'm sitting here saying to myself that I have been through this with him before. He'll disappear blame it on work or his phone but yet it still rings. I don't want to seem bitter but I am. I hate that every time he comes back with an excuse I believe it. But I think its because I am afraid to be alone? Is my undefined fear of loneliness cutting into my ability to be strong? Am I finally giving in to the bullshit, just to have shit to do! HELL NO! I will not call him again. As a matter of fact I will erase his number as soon as I am done with this blog..... maybe not? but I will think about it.
I feel as if I am being handled like a yo-yo. He pulls me in when he wants me
and tosses me back when he's done.... but always having me on a string. I can't
handle this situation...I can handle this situation... I want to handle this
situation....I will handle this situation.
My girl keeps saying things to soothe me like he is busy or his phone is broken again, but that's only because she doesn't want me to do anything rash. And I won't. See the difference in between me and the rest of these females is. I am going to wait and keep all this in back log. So if I ever happen to slip up like him he can't say anything. This may seem childish as hell but it is the grown woman thing to do. Fellas don't ever think your girl doesn't know... because we do. We forgive but never, and I mean never FORGET. The idea of never speaking with him again is consuming me. I feel like I am suffocating, like I keep wondering whether or not I did something wrong and he never let me know? Why do you men let us hang here and have no remorse for feelings. Guys never think about the way they treat people or if they do they do the opposite just so they don't seem like they care too much when they really do. And then in the end, they end up with women who do exactly what they did to us. And later become shotgun totting fathers who fight off every man from their precious daughters. Its hilarious how the circle continues. For example my brothers have always been very over-protective and selective. My brother happens to be very famous and when I asked to date someone he new in the business he caught a serious attitude. He went off! Simply because he knew the guy and some of the girls he messed with before. He sat me down and told me about the way he mistreated them, left them hanging and completely used them. It was to funny because I had no intentions of really pursuing anything with this guy I just wanted his reaction.
He finally said "is that what you want? you want someone to treat you like shit?
that's how you feel?" I said to him "Hermano, you just described yourself, how
do you think the girls that you did that to big brothers feel?"
He was quiet and now he has a son and is stuck with a rather confrontational baby's mother for the next 18years. LESSON LEARNED. So I bid you goodnight and thanks for reading and letting me vent. But Bloggers be cautious of who you give your energy, sometimes you just need to toss people a red bull and "chuck the deuce."
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