My Fathers Daughter

Life is a very confusing thing. When your young you are suppose to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.... oh yeah and that your parents are always right! See the problem is what if they aren't. My father and I are two of kind. He is truly my favorite person in the world, yet I can't respect that. My father left me and my mother in a house by ourselves to be with another woman. Now even though DC is full of them, it is definitely not the place for a single mother and her daughter. He disregarded this. And I disregarded him. I excused his absence because I was told too. My mother made up lies of him working late and not being able to come home. The bull shit kept rolling in, and I was upset more and more. I would here my mother cry and you don't know my mama, she does not cry. It's funny my father has always been the most emotional person I have ever met, yet he has no regard for anyone else's emotions or feelings. He yelled at me, locked me in dark basements when I would act up, and still until this day I am so afraid of the dark. I saw him beat my foster brothers and sisters for stupid things, but things he felt were necessary to make known could never happen again. He has a quick temper and still does the same barking to my brother. My father likes everything to be how he wants it when he wants it regardless of whats going on in your life. If he wants to be Daddy and love and play games that's what needs to be, even though your still drying the tears from the last punishment. If you want to play and talk and he is sleepy your mouth and be mushed and silenced like its nothing. Now this wasn't really abuse but in danced on the line like old folks at a cook-out. I knew growing up that parents did things like beatings and punishment because you were wrong and deserved them. But now that I am growing up and seeing my sister rear my niece and nephew while they do the same things we did as children... I don't see where my fathers punishments make sense? I know he had alot on his plate but that is no excuse to cut off your children. He would force feed me peas thinking that I just didn't want to eat my vegetables, not taking time to realize I would throw up every time because I was allergic. Now this all come form his dad, Mi Abuelo. He was a military man and the sternest father ever I hear. My Abuela still to this day apologizes to my father and his brothers for watching the abuse go by. But she was dealing with her own, he cheated on her too.... so the cycle continues, but not with me. Now this man to this day denies everything he did. And says he doesn't want to talk about it because his blood pressure goes up. Its funny how karma bites that ass! Either mentally of fiscally or physically. See my dad thought he was going to ruin us and that we would dwindle away... oh no buddy. My mother is the strongest woman ever she paid off the house and bought 6 more, put my sister through college, took care of me, and is helping me pay for my schooling. She is amazing but I must admit I was blind to that for a while. I had on my "Daddy's Little Girl Shades." lol I was so in love with this man he could do no wrong. He worked a good five minutes from my grandmothers house where we had to move. And I saw him maybe once month. One time he came on Christmas eve and took me to the Rite Aide to pick up some Christmas presents.... and to introduce me to the woman he left us for. She was a bus girl at the restaurant he managed and is now my step mother. One time I went to their house and found out I had a 3month old Baby Brother. The next time I went over my brother was crawling and found his way under the bed.... I went under with him and found out my father had been married for a year. I was not invited to the baby shower, the birth or the wedding. Damn right?! lol It's so funny now because he tries to claim some of my success but doesn't realize he had nothing to with it... my mistake he did. After chasing his car down the drive way, calling his phone only to hear the number changed, missed award ceremonies, science fairs, graduations and ballet recitals. I am getting over and realized he contributed to me being afraid to love something to much. This has made me string in good and bad ways. I am always on edge with guys. I can't really love with out consequence. I can't find time to be happy. I can't go without crying for long. Sometimes tears come out and I have no idea why?? Then I think they are just tears that I was suppose to cry before and missed. Or are they premature for the next set of problems. I thought of suicide at the age of ten through thirteen. Until I met the first love of my life. He was short and yellow and showed me that the world wasn't over until he said it was a little later cheating on me. I still talk to him to this day and actually spoke with him a little before writing this. He left me because I wouldn't love him they way he wanted me too. I wouldn't let him take my virginity. Now that may sound like the right thing to do , stand up for myself, so why do I feel like it was a mistake? Why did I regret it? It wasn't until I met the older man who would love me and be the daddy I needed. He told me what to do, how to do it, when and where. He manipulated my every move. I was to the point of dependency. I felt like a woman. My mother didn't know about him and thought I was just growing up on my own. And that started the beginning of my Great Expectations. My mother is an acute sufferer of anemia, high blood pressure and Bitter Black Woman Syndrome. And has molded me to be the Lady she wishes she would have been sans my father and others. She has made me the man eater she thinks I should be. Telling me that Love is good but stability is better. In walks Mr. Robbie Charles Jackson. He was the one. My mother loved him and made it her goal to make me perfect for him. She groomed me to be the one he would want and never have. See Robbie was the high school 7 foot 2 basketball player, that every girl would want. He was a meal ticket. My mother didn't see it like that. She thought he was capatable because I would be the educated black woman he would need. See her philosophy is to have your own. When my father left us with no money she said never again would a man have so much power over her future. And from this came my mantra: See because

"I'm not a real Gold Digger, I want you to have money so that when I get
mine you won't ask for any... plus who digs for dirt?"

Now I said that when I was in the tenth grade of high school and I swear it was written on every bathroom stall with me in quotations lol. But it is the truth. See Robbie loves me endlessly because I spoke the truth gave it to me straight and never held back. He has issues with his mother anyway, so it was inevitable that we would have issues. A girl looking for a dad and a boy looking for a mother is not as good as it sounds. So then comes several other high school loves and Robbie and I would continue off and on until freshmen year of college. That ended with a phone call and alot of comforting from someone close who was there without even asking. See all these relationship problems stem from me being afraid of commitment and fearful of heart break. Now some of my past beaus might say I always had to be in control and always have to run the show.... I'm sorry!! See that's my way of wearing knee and elbow pads, the helmet and a mouth guard anticipating the fall from love. See now this is where (enter father) is suppose to happen. See daddy's are suppose to come in and make things better..... oh no no I have to be the one suffering. But that has changed. 2008 is a very power full year in my life. Now I don't have a new years resolution but I intend to grow alot, I think that is good enough. See around January4th I had a battle royale with my father and I mean it was bad. Too the point where I felt like I was having a heart attack. My little brother and I have always been tight regardless if I see him less and less, but I wanted to take him to my nieces birthday party. Now when I asked my father could I do this he sat down in the bathroom with me while I was straightening my hair for work and said to me "I am afraid of what your mother might do to him." What the hell! Is he nuts.... my mother is the same woman who took care of 15 foster children even when he left us. Yet she is going to do something to hurt my brother? My first response is, she hasn't done anything to you and you owe her thousands in back child support! He said that is why he thought she would do that. That's crazy right? Maybe not in some cases but if you knew my mother and her affiliation you would understand that is not something she stands for. So I packed my stuff kissed my brother good bye and drove off. I couldn't do it anymore. I was later cut off in the car by my step mother. She and I talked on the side of the road and I went back after I got off of work. When I saw my father he acted as if none of that had happened? He said he didn't understand why I left like that or why I was upset? Is out of his f'ing mind?....YES. Well this is the part that scares me more... will I be like him, am I destined to be him? My mother always says that I have his attitude and his temper. This scares me and angers me at the same time. It angers me more when people say I look like him. To the point where I almost want to have reconstruction surgery like Michael Jackson lol. But its not that bad. I mean you are suppose to learn from your parents mistakes right? But I thought they were always right? So I guess that idea goes out the door with Santa and the Tooth Stealer?... Yeah. lol I get angry at my friends, rush people and say mean things but then I want them to forget about it as easy as I can, and that makes me scared. I feel like sometimes its a split personality that comes out of me and I can't control it. Like I have the angel and the devil on my shoulders and sometimes the bad side wins. But how can I have so much of him in me if he wasn't there??? Is it in my blood like a disease..... is it something there is a cure for, some kind of cleanser or transfusion?? lol I try to visit my father when I can mainly to see my brother, but I know if he keeps down the road he will not live as long life as he could and I would hate to not have ANY memories of him. It's funny I had a friend who didn't know her father, and she would always say how lucky I was to have a dad, that's only because she saw him on good days. See they say its better to love and lost than not love at all, I don't know how valid that is,but you can't miss something you never had, and ignorance is bliss,I guess not. I guess I'm stuck. It makes me so angry I could scream but then again..... I am my fathers daughter.