A conversation over dinner.

Ok so today I was having dinner in the cafe with a couple of my girls. And some how we began to talk about the ever so popular topic "Relationships" OMG what and F'in suprise. Ok so we spoke about the frustrating times when you are with your significant other and you ask the simple question " What do you want to do?" and their reply usually come up somewhere between "I don't care" and " what ever you want to do?" Now this may sound very familiar and very very annoying. So I vote from now on people.... we ask "what don't you want to do?" I know this may sound crazy... but it is actually very effective. I mean they may seem a little taken back and confused, dumb founded really scratching their heads to think of a real answer. It is really a funny thing to watch, but then again it works. See we are so used to options, that we never really think about what we genuinely want. See I have yet to try this but I promise I will and I will get back to you with the results. Or you could just let me know??
And next on the agenda was the idea of divorce. Why are a table of 19-20 year olds talking about divorce right?? Well that just goes to show you how messed up the world is that we discuss how we are going to get out of marriages before hand. But thats neither here nor there. So it was said that white people and spanish people don't know how to breakup with people. This was based off the fact the group felt that more whites and spanish kill their sidnigficant others more than other races. Which can or can not be confirmed by the nightly news. Now on a side bar, my cousin is suffering from a voodoo hex. Now we are west indian decent so I believe in all that stuff. So my grandmother once said that if a woman puts her "lady juice" in a mans food he would be forever bonded to her. Now my cousin has had this done to him and I was telling my girls that I had found a cure for him and I hoped it would work. They had never heard of such and were pretty much disgusted by the idea but none the less intrigued. See I explained that no matter that person wants you, whether you want them or not. This can work in or out of you favor. "You must not dabble in de weys of magic" said my auntie. This started the discussion of how horrible this is because who is to say that that person will be the person YOU want forever. See now my cousins X wants him gone but he can't shake her. Then my girl says " NO thats crazy see, I want you to be able to leave me! Cause when you feel like you can't leave me alone is when it becomes violent." This statement is very true. Then the light bulb above my head went off!!
I honestly believe that the reason why people are so disturbed about divorce is because they are left with out explanation, and they begin to hate the other person. See if you knew the other person hated you you wouldn't want to be with them anyway and it would make the whole thing alot easier.

Now I know this may sound crazy as hell but think about.... if you
husband was like "look! I don't want to be with you anymore. I will
not argue about this. Either we can get a divorce or I could just kill you?" lol (sorry) But
honestly I would be like "Really.. ok well Iam going to just get my stuff, you know you can
have the house"

and I would leave. No sadness nothing because I would be happy that he didn't take the alternate route. I really think if the leaving partner would put it to people like that they would honestly come out less sad and happy to be alive for real for real. I just think that you would be happier to have your life instead of trying to salvage a marriage with a homicidal divorcee? Now this may seem crazy to some but honestly think about all the women and men that have been innocently killed by their x's... don't you think they would have enjoyed the option? YES. Now I think I have prepared myself for the next couple of failing relation sips, because every time I get my heartbroken I'll think.... at least he didn't chop me up and feed me to the dogs.... TRUE STORY.

The Sentiments of a Yo-Yo

I want to write this to remind myself of this very feeling. The feeling of hurt, betrayal and anger. I have not spoken with HIM in about 4days. He was suppose to come and visit me on Friday after he was done with everything he had to do. Now..... I called him and he did not answer. Called Saturday... No answer. Called on Sunday...no answer again! And here I am on Monday still with out a phone call nothing! Its funny because I did the ultimate "girl" thing and called from another number and he did not pick up. But later on called the number back but did not call my number back! What kind of BULLSHIT is that? I'm sitting here saying to myself that I have been through this with him before. He'll disappear blame it on work or his phone but yet it still rings. I don't want to seem bitter but I am. I hate that every time he comes back with an excuse I believe it. But I think its because I am afraid to be alone? Is my undefined fear of loneliness cutting into my ability to be strong? Am I finally giving in to the bullshit, just to have shit to do! HELL NO! I will not call him again. As a matter of fact I will erase his number as soon as I am done with this blog..... maybe not? but I will think about it.

I feel as if I am being handled like a yo-yo. He pulls me in when he wants me
and tosses me back when he's done.... but always having me on a string. I can't
handle this situation...I can handle this situation... I want to handle this
situation....I will handle this situation.

My girl keeps saying things to soothe me like he is busy or his phone is broken again, but that's only because she doesn't want me to do anything rash. And I won't. See the difference in between me and the rest of these females is. I am going to wait and keep all this in back log. So if I ever happen to slip up like him he can't say anything. This may seem childish as hell but it is the grown woman thing to do. Fellas don't ever think your girl doesn't know... because we do. We forgive but never, and I mean never FORGET. The idea of never speaking with him again is consuming me. I feel like I am suffocating, like I keep wondering whether or not I did something wrong and he never let me know? Why do you men let us hang here and have no remorse for feelings. Guys never think about the way they treat people or if they do they do the opposite just so they don't seem like they care too much when they really do. And then in the end, they end up with women who do exactly what they did to us. And later become shotgun totting fathers who fight off every man from their precious daughters. Its hilarious how the circle continues. For example my brothers have always been very over-protective and selective. My brother happens to be very famous and when I asked to date someone he new in the business he caught a serious attitude. He went off! Simply because he knew the guy and some of the girls he messed with before. He sat me down and told me about the way he mistreated them, left them hanging and completely used them. It was to funny because I had no intentions of really pursuing anything with this guy I just wanted his reaction.

He finally said "is that what you want? you want someone to treat you like shit?
that's how you feel?" I said to him "Hermano, you just described yourself, how
do you think the girls that you did that to big brothers feel?"

He was quiet and now he has a son and is stuck with a rather confrontational baby's mother for the next 18years. LESSON LEARNED. So I bid you goodnight and thanks for reading and letting me vent. But Bloggers be cautious of who you give your energy, sometimes you just need to toss people a red bull and "chuck the deuce."

My Fathers Daughter

Life is a very confusing thing. When your young you are suppose to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.... oh yeah and that your parents are always right! See the problem is what if they aren't. My father and I are two of kind. He is truly my favorite person in the world, yet I can't respect that. My father left me and my mother in a house by ourselves to be with another woman. Now even though DC is full of them, it is definitely not the place for a single mother and her daughter. He disregarded this. And I disregarded him. I excused his absence because I was told too. My mother made up lies of him working late and not being able to come home. The bull shit kept rolling in, and I was upset more and more. I would here my mother cry and you don't know my mama, she does not cry. It's funny my father has always been the most emotional person I have ever met, yet he has no regard for anyone else's emotions or feelings. He yelled at me, locked me in dark basements when I would act up, and still until this day I am so afraid of the dark. I saw him beat my foster brothers and sisters for stupid things, but things he felt were necessary to make known could never happen again. He has a quick temper and still does the same barking to my brother. My father likes everything to be how he wants it when he wants it regardless of whats going on in your life. If he wants to be Daddy and love and play games that's what needs to be, even though your still drying the tears from the last punishment. If you want to play and talk and he is sleepy your mouth and be mushed and silenced like its nothing. Now this wasn't really abuse but in danced on the line like old folks at a cook-out. I knew growing up that parents did things like beatings and punishment because you were wrong and deserved them. But now that I am growing up and seeing my sister rear my niece and nephew while they do the same things we did as children... I don't see where my fathers punishments make sense? I know he had alot on his plate but that is no excuse to cut off your children. He would force feed me peas thinking that I just didn't want to eat my vegetables, not taking time to realize I would throw up every time because I was allergic. Now this all come form his dad, Mi Abuelo. He was a military man and the sternest father ever I hear. My Abuela still to this day apologizes to my father and his brothers for watching the abuse go by. But she was dealing with her own, he cheated on her too.... so the cycle continues, but not with me. Now this man to this day denies everything he did. And says he doesn't want to talk about it because his blood pressure goes up. Its funny how karma bites that ass! Either mentally of fiscally or physically. See my dad thought he was going to ruin us and that we would dwindle away... oh no buddy. My mother is the strongest woman ever she paid off the house and bought 6 more, put my sister through college, took care of me, and is helping me pay for my schooling. She is amazing but I must admit I was blind to that for a while. I had on my "Daddy's Little Girl Shades." lol I was so in love with this man he could do no wrong. He worked a good five minutes from my grandmothers house where we had to move. And I saw him maybe once month. One time he came on Christmas eve and took me to the Rite Aide to pick up some Christmas presents.... and to introduce me to the woman he left us for. She was a bus girl at the restaurant he managed and is now my step mother. One time I went to their house and found out I had a 3month old Baby Brother. The next time I went over my brother was crawling and found his way under the bed.... I went under with him and found out my father had been married for a year. I was not invited to the baby shower, the birth or the wedding. Damn right?! lol It's so funny now because he tries to claim some of my success but doesn't realize he had nothing to with it... my mistake he did. After chasing his car down the drive way, calling his phone only to hear the number changed, missed award ceremonies, science fairs, graduations and ballet recitals. I am getting over and realized he contributed to me being afraid to love something to much. This has made me string in good and bad ways. I am always on edge with guys. I can't really love with out consequence. I can't find time to be happy. I can't go without crying for long. Sometimes tears come out and I have no idea why?? Then I think they are just tears that I was suppose to cry before and missed. Or are they premature for the next set of problems. I thought of suicide at the age of ten through thirteen. Until I met the first love of my life. He was short and yellow and showed me that the world wasn't over until he said it was a little later cheating on me. I still talk to him to this day and actually spoke with him a little before writing this. He left me because I wouldn't love him they way he wanted me too. I wouldn't let him take my virginity. Now that may sound like the right thing to do , stand up for myself, so why do I feel like it was a mistake? Why did I regret it? It wasn't until I met the older man who would love me and be the daddy I needed. He told me what to do, how to do it, when and where. He manipulated my every move. I was to the point of dependency. I felt like a woman. My mother didn't know about him and thought I was just growing up on my own. And that started the beginning of my Great Expectations. My mother is an acute sufferer of anemia, high blood pressure and Bitter Black Woman Syndrome. And has molded me to be the Lady she wishes she would have been sans my father and others. She has made me the man eater she thinks I should be. Telling me that Love is good but stability is better. In walks Mr. Robbie Charles Jackson. He was the one. My mother loved him and made it her goal to make me perfect for him. She groomed me to be the one he would want and never have. See Robbie was the high school 7 foot 2 basketball player, that every girl would want. He was a meal ticket. My mother didn't see it like that. She thought he was capatable because I would be the educated black woman he would need. See her philosophy is to have your own. When my father left us with no money she said never again would a man have so much power over her future. And from this came my mantra: See because

"I'm not a real Gold Digger, I want you to have money so that when I get
mine you won't ask for any... plus who digs for dirt?"

Now I said that when I was in the tenth grade of high school and I swear it was written on every bathroom stall with me in quotations lol. But it is the truth. See Robbie loves me endlessly because I spoke the truth gave it to me straight and never held back. He has issues with his mother anyway, so it was inevitable that we would have issues. A girl looking for a dad and a boy looking for a mother is not as good as it sounds. So then comes several other high school loves and Robbie and I would continue off and on until freshmen year of college. That ended with a phone call and alot of comforting from someone close who was there without even asking. See all these relationship problems stem from me being afraid of commitment and fearful of heart break. Now some of my past beaus might say I always had to be in control and always have to run the show.... I'm sorry!! See that's my way of wearing knee and elbow pads, the helmet and a mouth guard anticipating the fall from love. See now this is where (enter father) is suppose to happen. See daddy's are suppose to come in and make things better..... oh no no I have to be the one suffering. But that has changed. 2008 is a very power full year in my life. Now I don't have a new years resolution but I intend to grow alot, I think that is good enough. See around January4th I had a battle royale with my father and I mean it was bad. Too the point where I felt like I was having a heart attack. My little brother and I have always been tight regardless if I see him less and less, but I wanted to take him to my nieces birthday party. Now when I asked my father could I do this he sat down in the bathroom with me while I was straightening my hair for work and said to me "I am afraid of what your mother might do to him." What the hell! Is he nuts.... my mother is the same woman who took care of 15 foster children even when he left us. Yet she is going to do something to hurt my brother? My first response is, she hasn't done anything to you and you owe her thousands in back child support! He said that is why he thought she would do that. That's crazy right? Maybe not in some cases but if you knew my mother and her affiliation you would understand that is not something she stands for. So I packed my stuff kissed my brother good bye and drove off. I couldn't do it anymore. I was later cut off in the car by my step mother. She and I talked on the side of the road and I went back after I got off of work. When I saw my father he acted as if none of that had happened? He said he didn't understand why I left like that or why I was upset? Is out of his f'ing mind?....YES. Well this is the part that scares me more... will I be like him, am I destined to be him? My mother always says that I have his attitude and his temper. This scares me and angers me at the same time. It angers me more when people say I look like him. To the point where I almost want to have reconstruction surgery like Michael Jackson lol. But its not that bad. I mean you are suppose to learn from your parents mistakes right? But I thought they were always right? So I guess that idea goes out the door with Santa and the Tooth Stealer?... Yeah. lol I get angry at my friends, rush people and say mean things but then I want them to forget about it as easy as I can, and that makes me scared. I feel like sometimes its a split personality that comes out of me and I can't control it. Like I have the angel and the devil on my shoulders and sometimes the bad side wins. But how can I have so much of him in me if he wasn't there??? Is it in my blood like a disease..... is it something there is a cure for, some kind of cleanser or transfusion?? lol I try to visit my father when I can mainly to see my brother, but I know if he keeps down the road he will not live as long life as he could and I would hate to not have ANY memories of him. It's funny I had a friend who didn't know her father, and she would always say how lucky I was to have a dad, that's only because she saw him on good days. See they say its better to love and lost than not love at all, I don't know how valid that is,but you can't miss something you never had, and ignorance is bliss,I guess not. I guess I'm stuck. It makes me so angry I could scream but then again..... I am my fathers daughter.

Black Woman Syndrome

Now this is in no wat racist because I am multi-racial myslef. So when I say "black woman" I mean that this is something I see comign more from my black side. Make since...o well never mind. But for real for real, on my last blog I started to think about how most of us can start tripping our selves up before we start to walk. Now funny thing is we are our worst enemies. I find myself thinking about my relationship and being paranoid about when it will end before it has even started. I think abotu whether or not I am doing everything right. Is my hair ok? does he like my clothes? does he like the way I smell? Am I talking to much? I find myslef apologizing for things I am really nto sorry about. Now this make sme think is it the persont hat is making me act so crazy or is it my fear of another failing relationship. I was tlaking with my best friend Davida today and I thought " What happens if I never get married? If Iam like 39 and on the brink of menopause (spell check!) and not ven close to marriage? Now your probbly tinking this chick is only 19 why is she so worried. Well this is the kind of stuff that has worried me since kindergarden. WOW I know but I can't help it. On my 18th brithday I cried in my dorm room because I felt like I was getting old and the years were flying by. Now this is due to bein raised by older people who scare you into to thinking adult hood is horrible and you shoudl live while you can. I am so afraid of all the shit int his world that I REALLY DON'T LIVE. Now I have set a plan perfectly for everythign coming. I am goign to finish college, teach in DCPS a few years then go to law school maybe vice-versa btu by the time I'm thirty I want to be married. Now the guy Iam dating would probaly say "Iam putting the horese before the carriage" and he is right. But he is apart of my strategic plan HA HA! lol He is significantly older than me, so I figure by the time I am ready to get married and have kids he will be too. He will be in his nesting stage and finish sewing his royal oats. But that poses the question of what do I do in the mean time? Do I stay with him, ride out the bull shit and then keep him around for when he is ripe for the picking? But he is not fruit! lol I want him to be the one, but what scares me is if he isn't how many heart breaks do I have to got through in the mean time?? And why am I going through this??

Well I have self diagnosed myself. My name is Gabrielle, and I have Black Woman Syndrome aka BWS. I mean since the day I was born I have been cute for a light skinned girl, cute for a black girl, cute for a spanish girl, cute for a mixed girl. I have had to compete with everyone to be noticed. I saw my parents go through a silent but deadly divorce and like most divorced kids I am fearfull of commitment. I am also afraid of starting a family with anyone. What if they leave me? What they leave our kids? Would I shut down like my mother did? Will I do what I have to do to be a parent, but not a mother?? Its so funny how we spend so much time looking for someone's hands to put our life in. We searchthe world and go through it as head strong and on edge people looking for someone to be vulnerable with. What happens when that person is not vulnerable to you. Who is to say that you don't meet your true love in 2nd grade and it is your responsibilty to find that person later in life? Why marry conveinience and not compatibility? I still to this day think about my kindergarden crush, and I don't think a day has gone by when I haven' thought of him. See Black women when we love, we love hard and sometimes that person can't really take it. And that triggers the symptoms of the syndrome. We become on edge and never really feel strong enough to open up again. Every person that we love takes a piece of you, and after a while you get tired of giving all of your self, thats the first stage. Second stage you become a man eater, you never give them what they want but you take what you need and as the end result makign it worst for the next woman, only spreadign the desease even further because he will trigger the same things in her. Third and final stage is the final turining point either you make it or you dont, its critical. We find another person to open us up, but its way after the war on love has begun, you feel trapped and confused because you want ot give your all, but that is trully the last of you. So if you give your all and everythign works perfect then thank God and love like you have never loved before . But the less fortunate version is when you love again and your heart is ripped,pissed on and thrown away by a fly away love. Whats next you ask.... CRITICAL CONDITION.. aka Bitte Black Woman Syndorme. THat is by far the worst because it becomes highly contagious and that is when the cats start movign in and the weight is gained. And then you become another BBW.

Now on the lighter side, I am young and I am preparing myself for this. Now there is never anything wrong with preparation but in this case, not to be redundant, but I am tripping myself up. I am consumed with ideas of failure and defeat when really I need to be growing and succedding in life and love. But why do we seperate them?? Isn't I life spent loving the only life worth living? So now I pledge to live my life in every moment. And like a very important lady in my life says "Carpe Diem, Seize the day!" Sometimes we hear the answers to the test everyday and never pay it attention. I think I 'm ready world. I know I have about 14 more gallons of tears to cry but I have about a billion more smiles coming. Especially if things work out the way I plan. lol But the first stage of stayign healthy is prevention, and to prevent something you have to know about it..... knowledge is power i a loving Life.

Mr. Right Omg he is so right!

So last night my "friend boy" called me and he gave me his excuse for not calling in a while. Now while I was sad and thinking he was ignoring and going on another one of his vacations from life, that he is so famous for his shitty phone, which I knew was shitty finally broke in two despise the duct tape and glue. Now while I took his excuse and really did miss him I felt like I am being a push over. I have always been the dominating one, always the one RUNNING THINGS. Now lets all rewind to the beginning so we can understand the drama of today......<>cloudy smoke>

Ok so in late September I met this guy named "L." Now L had a girlfriend but we were and still are just friends. Now he came to pick me up one night and told me to bring a friend for his friend. Now I am usually against this but I didn't want to go by myself. Funny thing is when we got in the car his friend was in the front seat and he turned around to speak..... I was at a lost for words.

(Now it has been said that no one on this earth has been so properly named
than myself "GABrielle" so me lost for words is not a regular
thing)

So he turned around and he said hello and I was infatuated. When actually we went to HIS house and then we stayed there until about 4 am the next morning. Now while I was suppose to be "spending time" with my friend I wanted to be with HIM. So once he went to sleep I was ready to leave. The next day I get on the Internet and he wrote me a message saying he missed me already (FAST I know) But I actually missed him too. We began to chat and actually exchanged numbers and went on a date two days later. Now your probably wondering what happened to L, well B happened to L. lol But no really you know how you feel more beautiful when your with a certain person. He made me feel like God was smiling on me. I prayed to God for a while to send me someone to make me grow and change for the better and I promise readers I'll keep you updated.

Ok so back to tonights drama......
So L calls me and says that he wants me to get some friends together and to come and hang with his friends. Now while I thought that B told him about us... HE DIDN'T!!! So I call B and no answer... I call L back and I asked him when was the last time he talked to B, he said that he spoke with him last night. Now I asked was I mentioned in any conversations for the last couple months, he said NO. So I'm thinking like, now I look like the ass that has to tell him. So I tell him that we have been dating and that it's been for a while now.... he is like "Oh well he didn't tell me, but it's cool, now you told me so he doesn't have to know we discussed this." Me being the faith full "friend girl" I am I told him. After I asked why he gave me this

"I asked you was there anything between you all and you said no, and so did he,
So me being the grown man I am I felt like I didn't need to ask him anything, or
put my business out there."

So I said ok and I understood. Now this is the thing, why am I being the girl? I am never the girl! Who is this man to have the right answers and know the right things to say, how to rub my back, make me breakfast and handle me perfectly?? Oh he is the one.... maybe not the one one, but defiantly one of the ones we woman will never forget. I mean the situation could have gotten out of hand but he soothed me. I am falling and I refuse to say the _ _ _ _ word because I don't want to jinx it. But what scares me and most black women in the world or just women in general is what happens when it all goes wrong?? What happens when I am writing a blog about my heart being ripped apart and feeling like listening to Mary J and eating Chinese food? Who will be the next "one?" Or if I mess this one up will there even be another one?? Will I let my fear of failure exceed my will to succeed? I care so much it scares me, I find myself confused about which ringer to give him because every slow song reminds me of him. Ladies you know what its like when your a little girl and you imagine the perfect man? You say what you want him to look like, what you want him to do, how you want him to act, how he'll dress, what kind of car he'll drive and the way you'll kiss the first time, the first time THAT goes down lol, how he'll text you sweet things, be rough but gentle at the same time, get out of arguments and be able to admit he is wrong, treat you like a queen even when your dressed like the milk maid?? Yeah you know what I mean..... but one thing we never think of is what happens when we get him? We never discuss what we will have to be for him, do for him and say. We always dream the dream but never the end.... I thinks that's the reason why you always wake up before your finished dreaming, because your left to figure the rest out by yourself..... I'm figuring it now.