Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Game is so right... you wouldn't get far.

People who know me and really know me... know that being in the entertainemnt industry is somthing that runs in my blood. My family is all up in that lol! But one thing I will never forget is when I told my brother I had my first interview he said.... "Make sure they respect you as a radio personality and not just a pretty face." I have always listened to that and in the back of my head always made sure no one disrespected me by thinking I would sleep with them. So many times females get mislead by the lights and glam thinking that the only way to get to the top is on your back or on your knees. Now this is no way directed towards anybody, but honeslty this is something I have been thinking about for a while.

I am so tired of girls going out into the world and giving people the worst ideas of what a women is suppose to be. I honestly can't argue with guys on why they shouldn't use such words like bitch, slut, hoe, bopper, roller if they can name me more girls who actually are these things than girls who aren't. Its sad though because of this, girls who aren't such things are not allowed the respect that we deserve because of the generalizations being made and
proven by these girls. Honestly I'm done!

If you going to be a hoe, then got damn it be a hoe! Own that shit. If you are going to be a slut then you go out here in the global communtiy and be the leader of the sluts! The Howard Motto is leaders for the global community (or something like that lol) but they didn't specify leaders in what. I am not in anyway condoning this behavior at all but the lies, tall tales, fables, and stories in the world are based on some type of truth believe it or not. And if the things that people say about you aren't true, then you shouldn't put yourself so dangerousliy close to situations, that these things can be assumed.

And the other issue now that I think about it is guys. You all feed into it. I promise if guys spent as much as time as they do on one girl, as they do chasing 3 trying to have their way with them. I have seen the way my brothers have treated ceratin girls and the way the treat others. and I know how I want to be treated so I will be the other girl.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Why do black men think they all can rap? And girl you will never be a model! Please Believe me.

I know I may not be doing my job as a black woman and litfitin up my race by saying this.... BUT WHY DOES EVERY BLACK MAN THINK HE CAN RAP?? This is whats really blowing me now. Liek I have met so many guys and some where down the line in the series of conversations his budding rap career comes up. Either he makes beats or manages someone or sings or just is a hype man. I can't handle it. If I guy ever wants to get rid of me all he has to say is "listen to my demo." Now I may be a little prejudice because I do radio and meet crazy talentless people all the time. But Im an equal oppurtunist and try to help everyone out. And my brother is pretty known in the DMV (Dc Md Va area) for being on the radio and really connecting good artist up. But it first started out with guys coming at me to get at him. I put an end to that by not dating anyone in the industry.... but now it seems like Joe Smoe from the book store is a got damn rapper. I'm tired of this shit.. there are to many people with songs out getting paid more than teachers and fire men. And I think its bullshit. Oh and we must not forget about the 1 million black guys going to the NBA next year. An upgrade is needed. I blame females for pumping their heads and if you really love him you would try to give him some other options for sucess because you all are only one ligament tear away from food stamps. Please Believe ME! I have dated my share of athletes and I have learned the lessons of that game... never ever ever ever ever ever count your chickens befor they hatch. I am not hating at ALL. I am simply loving. Lving you enough to tell you the truth... you are never gonna be on Def Jam boo boo. You will never get on BET (Scratch that, they let anything on that channel). BUt I want more black doctors and astronauts and trashmen for heavan sakes. Its ok to have regular job, that way you can have a family and ctually be there. I think people and I mean balck people associate "makin it" with selling our souls to the entertainment industry. Has anyone rad Linden Hills.... wake up people.

And ladies you are nto exempt. NOT everyone can be a model. I don't care how flyy you claim to be... because the exact outfit you have on is being worn by three other girls within a two mile radius. And this so called unique style you have is not necessarily unique. If everyone is trying to be different... how do you know what being different really is... and If indeed everyone is trying to be different dosen't that equal being the same? Ladies its ok if you liek that purse from payless becaus honestly I feel like everyone else can have the Jordans, Gucci and Prada.. I will own property. Sorry thats what I consider balling. lol
So boo boo the fact that you have a purse and 3 inch heels on dosen't mean your the next Naomi Cambell or even the next girl in the Old Navy add. I am not tring to kill your dreams I am a firm believer in being anything your heart desries... I just wish you have a plan B,C and F if need be. If you spend all this time chasing material "ballerific" things wou will never enjoy the beautiful things that are free, like love, family and friends.

The trully successful people like Alicia Keys, Knaye West, Jay Z, Bon Jovi, Jill Scott, Missy Elliot, Pharrell.... love their craft and were not drawn to it by glitter and gold, not even by the clay puppet on the screen screaming cuss words... they study and love their craft. Everybody has something. I promise.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Love should have a warning on the back like cigarettes.

So I am going to ust be flat out and admit yes I love him. I waited along time to admit it to my friends. But only after going through what I went through and still thinking about that person everyday after can you be in love. I missed him ALOT. But let me reccap.

Last time I talked to you all Mr.Right and I were having some trouble. We got back on track and then the shit hit the fan. He stop giving me the good. You know what i mean! I was like "how dare you tease me like this." One night I was cooking dinner and yes it was fianls but I had nto seen him in weeks and missed him dearly. So on a very random and funny phone call he yells "Why don't you cook something, like just have food for me! lol" So I said I would and made a date to come to his house and cook. So while I was there I cooked everything under the sun in order to feed my man. I should have known the day wasn't going to go the way I wanted it to when I would stop at different times and ask for kisses...only to be turned down and told "I'm tryign to watch this, just cook." So I was like ok, le tme just hurry up and cook so I can spend some time with him on the couch. He later came into the kitchen to flirt and kiss and hug so I was easil satisifed for the moment. We sat at the table prayed over our food and began to talk about life. I loved his conversation and still do to this day. He didn't know that his every adverb, noun and adjective turned me on. We later retired to the couch to watch tv and talk. He all of a sudden got up and said "come on, go to the back lets take a nap for a minute before I have to get back to studying." I was extremely excited and got in the bed to cuddle. And that was honestly all I got. A cuddle. Now I am a very serious cuddler and it is one of my favorite pass times lol. So after trying to seduce him a couple times i got upset and asked him waht was wrong..."I'm celibate" he said. I would have rather him say anything else. NOT THE C BOMB. I asked where did this come from?.. he was talking but now I can honestly say I can recollect everything he said before that but anything after is now a blurr.... all I remember is tears, fighting, hugging, kisssing, and tears again. Only for me to leave out of the door and speeding off in my car the wronf direction because I was so messed up! lol

So I later went home told my girls they gave me the "MEN AIN'T SHIT" speech. And I went to facebook. I wrote an apology letter to my girls who told me to leave him alone after the first couple set of rocks we had to get over. And he called.... Now ladies this whole time I was trying to be strong, we would argue before and I would always be either first to call or pic up on the first ring, something was different about this time, my phone was dead and I got a voice mail form him wanting to talk I decided to not call back and let him know how angry I really was. Now he got on facebook to write me and read my note.. He claims it hurt him and this I still doubt but maybe?

So I call the next day to talk to him and figure things out... no pick up. I go to facebook... we aren't friends anymore. lol right? So I get a text telling me to check my email. I am in McDonalds with my friend eating and then I feel sick, I read the eamil piece by piece on my phone getting more sick but the sylable. He pretty much wrote me a go fuck yourself you little girl letter. I began crying histarically only to end up throwing up in the parking lot. To make a long story fun size I went into severe depression, got sick, left school and my cell phone and shut myself off from the world for a little bit (a week) lol. With the help of my baby brothers sponge bob and pizza cure and my gurls.... I made it out. I honestly can't tell someone about the pain I felt without crying. You know you love someone when they can say some of the most hurtfull things in the world to you and yet you still want them to hold you...crazy I know, but people smoke ciggarettes.


So I was on my way with my girls on our way to meet this guy I had just started to talk too and as I stop to get something to drink, I saw him on the store. I wasn't sure what I could have said to him if I went in, I probably would have tried ot ignore him and stop myself from crying, but thank God my friend Jess "girl I'll go get it for you" (thanks boo).

So a month or so goes by and I built a good relationship with one of his friends a really tight brother sister relationship. So I had no choice but to talk about old times. He would remind me that sometimes I would bring his name into the convo and we wouldn't even be talking about him lol. But I realized I really really missed him. So I moved into my new place and one of my bf's friends lived across the hall. We built a great friendship and I told him about the craziness I went through during the semester... Lo and behold....I get and email the next day " I thought about you today" I almost cried and didn't reply for a few days, honestly because I wanted to reply I love you btu I didn't and don't want to scare him away. Its nothing worst thatn loving someone who don't love you. So I htought about what I would reply.....two days later I said " Oh thats funny I thought about you today too. How is Miami?." He replied back a day later saying it was hto and about his job.... and at the end he asked if we could be on talking terms again and he apologized for hurting me. Now you would think that would honestly be exactly what I wanted to here... but I wasn't sure. I went to go talk to my brother aka his bestfriend about it. He told me "be honest with him, tell him your scared. I think its funny that girls can say they never wnat to tlk to us again and then later come back and apologize, but we can't do that." But I could understand what he was aying but in this case, I couldn't think of anythign that would make me want to leave him or hurt him like he did me. NOTHING.

So long story bite size, I worte a very cunning and brisk email expressing that I really was hurt and even quoted some of his own words form his previous email. But gave in and said yes. So we began texting and he was sweet at first "I miss your face", "promise you'll call me" "you stayed and stay on my mind".... btu here we are two weeks later and things are back to normal. I haven't spoken to him but 20 secs here and there every few days. And I find myself getting kind of turned off. He is supposed to be coming back in a few days and we have a date set up. But honeslty I don't know if that is still standing simply because he has other commitments for his time here and I won't cancel a whoel day of my life to wait for him to give me a few miuntes. I'm really trying to live by the fraise.. "don't make someone a priority when your only an option." So this is where the fairy tale ends for right now.... I will keep you posted on how this all pans out.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Growing Hair With Miconazole Nitrate

Now I know this is really random but that is me, Queen of Randomosity, but I'm doing this new treatment with my hair to grow it out really long. So I was told by someone that I could use Miconzale Nitrate in my hair and it would grow amazingly fast. Well I did my research and I found out that it worked for alot of women. They were using stuff like Neosporin AF and Monistat. But the active ingredient in all of that is the nitrate stuff. So I just ordered tube of that form the web. The women on the web said that the anitfungal cream eats the bacteria in your hair which causes your hair to grow super slow, and causes your hair to grow rapidly. One lady even reported her hair grew and inch in a month. So I figured why not? THe side effects are minor and not reported in every case. Some say they have headaches and others report crazy dreams, but the headaches aren't that bad. So we will see!

DAY ONE (3/3/08)- So I have had my hair trimmed and I have been wearing it out of the weave lately only applying heat to it once a week after I wash it. I jsut got my package in the mail with the nitrate and I plan to put it on tonight. Later... I put it on my hair and then rubbed grape seed and vitamin E oil in after I put it on just so that it dosent dry out my hair.

DAY TWO(3/4/08)- After yesterdays application I feel fine, my hair seems normal but very tingly. I have a slight headache but I don't know if that is from my lack of sleep or my selfcontious self adding my own side effects. You know how sometimes you hear something and you start to feel it just because your nervous about it any way? Well I'm not sure but it's nothing to bad. My hair dosen't feel dry or anything but my scalp feels very strange.... we'll see. My friend Big Booty Judy is going to take some pics right now just so we can see any differences in my weak spots and where my crown broke off.

DAY THREE(3/5/08)- Today was ok. My headache went away so I don't feel like it really came from the cream, just lack of sleep. I also still feel alittle bit of movement or tingling in my scalp, still could be my imagination lol. But I do feel something going on. I took some pictures today so hopefully I will be able to take some more. I think I will wait until after spring break to do so. So look for them. I know this might sound crazy but when I put my head against the wall while I was typing it felt really puffy, like its getting thicker. Now I just had a perm like two weeks ago so my roots shoudln't feel like that right?? LOL we will see.....

DAY FOUR(3/6/08)- THis day was normal, I applied the MN as nornmal and rapped my hair. I have found that my hair is alot less managable due to new growth. I haven't had a perm in about two weeks and this really isn't the norm. But I hope its because my hair is growing. I haven't seen a real big difference in length yet but I feel a difference.. Maybe when Iget a perm in a week it will be different.

DAY FIVE(3/7/08)- I washed my hair tonight and deep conditioned it just to make sure the MN dosen't dry out my hair. It felt really good to wash my hair because I felt alot of build up in my hair. But it feels alot better.

DAY SIX(3/8/08)- Nothing really happened today. Just applied as usual and try to let it do what it do.


DAY SEVEN(3/9/08)-Nothign really again today, but my hair is really becomming unmanagable. Like I really can't wrap it because when I take it down its dosen't do what it suppose to lol. Like I don't think its growing to much because my roots are still pretty straight since I had them straightened after I washed it. We will see. the one lady reported an inch after 10 days, but I don't think its that serious though.

DAY EIGHT(3/10/08)-Nothing much different today. I am running out so I had to order some more. When I run out of that I will get some neosporin AF becuase the shipping is getting really expensive. I'm starting to wonder if I wasted my money??

DAY NINE(3/11/08)-I didn't put in any in today. So I'm taking a break. My new shipment is taking a minute to come in so I'm trying to stretch this ish out lol. But I really feel like my hair is growing now. My scalp hurts so bad, well its jsut really sore. Maybe because i have been massaging alot lately trying to spread the MN around. But we will see... I think I have had like maybe 1/4or an inch. We will see I will get a perm again and then I will see how much my hair grows out of the perm.


DAY TEN(3/12/08)- I am going to put some in today. So we will see if the soreness goes away.

DAY ELEVEN (3/13/08)- The soreness went away and I gae myself a perm. My hair didn't take as well to the perm and I used all of it! I mean it did what it needed to do but I wish I would have left in a little more. But I am going ot start my mom on it tonight. Her hair is very very damaged. It does not grow at all so I think she will be the true test. I will start tellign youher results too!

DAY TWELVE(3/14/08/)- Ok so it is safe to get perm... my hair has not fallen out but I am going to stop putting MN in everyday because I wactually want my perm to last lol. But I will put some in and then wait for my new shipment to come... its coming soooooo sllloooowwww! lol but I think I am jsut going ot get some from CVS today or something.But I'll let you know!! An dits abotu to get hot SO I thik braids ar ein the very very near future lol.

DAY SEVENTEEN- I just bought some more MN I have been putting in the last three days so I'm being more consistant. I hop ethis starts working soon.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

A conversation over dinner.

Ok so today I was having dinner in the cafe with a couple of my girls. And some how we began to talk about the ever so popular topic "Relationships" OMG what and F'in suprise. Ok so we spoke about the frustrating times when you are with your significant other and you ask the simple question " What do you want to do?" and their reply usually come up somewhere between "I don't care" and " what ever you want to do?" Now this may sound very familiar and very very annoying. So I vote from now on people.... we ask "what don't you want to do?" I know this may sound crazy... but it is actually very effective. I mean they may seem a little taken back and confused, dumb founded really scratching their heads to think of a real answer. It is really a funny thing to watch, but then again it works. See we are so used to options, that we never really think about what we genuinely want. See I have yet to try this but I promise I will and I will get back to you with the results. Or you could just let me know??
And next on the agenda was the idea of divorce. Why are a table of 19-20 year olds talking about divorce right?? Well that just goes to show you how messed up the world is that we discuss how we are going to get out of marriages before hand. But thats neither here nor there. So it was said that white people and spanish people don't know how to breakup with people. This was based off the fact the group felt that more whites and spanish kill their sidnigficant others more than other races. Which can or can not be confirmed by the nightly news. Now on a side bar, my cousin is suffering from a voodoo hex. Now we are west indian decent so I believe in all that stuff. So my grandmother once said that if a woman puts her "lady juice" in a mans food he would be forever bonded to her. Now my cousin has had this done to him and I was telling my girls that I had found a cure for him and I hoped it would work. They had never heard of such and were pretty much disgusted by the idea but none the less intrigued. See I explained that no matter that person wants you, whether you want them or not. This can work in or out of you favor. "You must not dabble in de weys of magic" said my auntie. This started the discussion of how horrible this is because who is to say that that person will be the person YOU want forever. See now my cousins X wants him gone but he can't shake her. Then my girl says " NO thats crazy see, I want you to be able to leave me! Cause when you feel like you can't leave me alone is when it becomes violent." This statement is very true. Then the light bulb above my head went off!!
I honestly believe that the reason why people are so disturbed about divorce is because they are left with out explanation, and they begin to hate the other person. See if you knew the other person hated you you wouldn't want to be with them anyway and it would make the whole thing alot easier.
Now I know this may sound crazy as hell but think about.... if you
husband was like "look! I don't want to be with you anymore. I will
not argue about this. Either we can get a divorce or I could just kill you?" lol (sorry) But
honestly I would be like "Really.. ok well Iam going to just get my stuff, you know you can
have the house"
and I would leave. No sadness nothing because I would be happy that he didn't take the alternate route. I really think if the leaving partner would put it to people like that they would honestly come out less sad and happy to be alive for real for real. I just think that you would be happier to have your life instead of trying to salvage a marriage with a homicidal divorcee? Now this may seem crazy to some but honestly think about all the women and men that have been innocently killed by their x's... don't you think they would have enjoyed the option? YES. Now I think I have prepared myself for the next couple of failing relation sips, because every time I get my heartbroken I'll think.... at least he didn't chop me up and feed me to the dogs.... TRUE STORY.

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Sentiments of a Yo-Yo

I want to write this to remind myself of this very feeling. The feeling of hurt, betrayal and anger. I have not spoken with HIM in about 4days. He was suppose to come and visit me on Friday after he was done with everything he had to do. Now..... I called him and he did not answer. Called Saturday... No answer. Called on Sunday...no answer again! And here I am on Monday still with out a phone call nothing! Its funny because I did the ultimate "girl" thing and called from another number and he did not pick up. But later on called the number back but did not call my number back! What kind of BULLSHIT is that? I'm sitting here saying to myself that I have been through this with him before. He'll disappear blame it on work or his phone but yet it still rings. I don't want to seem bitter but I am. I hate that every time he comes back with an excuse I believe it. But I think its because I am afraid to be alone? Is my undefined fear of loneliness cutting into my ability to be strong? Am I finally giving in to the bullshit, just to have shit to do! HELL NO! I will not call him again. As a matter of fact I will erase his number as soon as I am done with this blog..... maybe not? but I will think about it.
I feel as if I am being handled like a yo-yo. He pulls me in when he wants me
and tosses me back when he's done.... but always having me on a string. I can't
handle this situation...I can handle this situation... I want to handle this
situation....I will handle this situation.
My girl keeps saying things to soothe me like he is busy or his phone is broken again, but that's only because she doesn't want me to do anything rash. And I won't. See the difference in between me and the rest of these females is. I am going to wait and keep all this in back log. So if I ever happen to slip up like him he can't say anything. This may seem childish as hell but it is the grown woman thing to do. Fellas don't ever think your girl doesn't know... because we do. We forgive but never, and I mean never FORGET. The idea of never speaking with him again is consuming me. I feel like I am suffocating, like I keep wondering whether or not I did something wrong and he never let me know? Why do you men let us hang here and have no remorse for feelings. Guys never think about the way they treat people or if they do they do the opposite just so they don't seem like they care too much when they really do. And then in the end, they end up with women who do exactly what they did to us. And later become shotgun totting fathers who fight off every man from their precious daughters. Its hilarious how the circle continues. For example my brothers have always been very over-protective and selective. My brother happens to be very famous and when I asked to date someone he new in the business he caught a serious attitude. He went off! Simply because he knew the guy and some of the girls he messed with before. He sat me down and told me about the way he mistreated them, left them hanging and completely used them. It was to funny because I had no intentions of really pursuing anything with this guy I just wanted his reaction.
He finally said "is that what you want? you want someone to treat you like shit?
that's how you feel?" I said to him "Hermano, you just described yourself, how
do you think the girls that you did that to big brothers feel?"
He was quiet and now he has a son and is stuck with a rather confrontational baby's mother for the next 18years. LESSON LEARNED. So I bid you goodnight and thanks for reading and letting me vent. But Bloggers be cautious of who you give your energy, sometimes you just need to toss people a red bull and "chuck the deuce."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

My Fathers Daughter

Life is a very confusing thing. When your young you are suppose to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.... oh yeah and that your parents are always right! See the problem is what if they aren't. My father and I are two of kind. He is truly my favorite person in the world, yet I can't respect that. My father left me and my mother in a house by ourselves to be with another woman. Now even though DC is full of them, it is definitely not the place for a single mother and her daughter. He disregarded this. And I disregarded him. I excused his absence because I was told too. My mother made up lies of him working late and not being able to come home. The bull shit kept rolling in, and I was upset more and more. I would here my mother cry and you don't know my mama, she does not cry. It's funny my father has always been the most emotional person I have ever met, yet he has no regard for anyone else's emotions or feelings. He yelled at me, locked me in dark basements when I would act up, and still until this day I am so afraid of the dark. I saw him beat my foster brothers and sisters for stupid things, but things he felt were necessary to make known could never happen again. He has a quick temper and still does the same barking to my brother. My father likes everything to be how he wants it when he wants it regardless of whats going on in your life. If he wants to be Daddy and love and play games that's what needs to be, even though your still drying the tears from the last punishment. If you want to play and talk and he is sleepy your mouth and be mushed and silenced like its nothing. Now this wasn't really abuse but in danced on the line like old folks at a cook-out. I knew growing up that parents did things like beatings and punishment because you were wrong and deserved them. But now that I am growing up and seeing my sister rear my niece and nephew while they do the same things we did as children... I don't see where my fathers punishments make sense? I know he had alot on his plate but that is no excuse to cut off your children. He would force feed me peas thinking that I just didn't want to eat my vegetables, not taking time to realize I would throw up every time because I was allergic. Now this all come form his dad, Mi Abuelo. He was a military man and the sternest father ever I hear. My Abuela still to this day apologizes to my father and his brothers for watching the abuse go by. But she was dealing with her own, he cheated on her too.... so the cycle continues, but not with me. Now this man to this day denies everything he did. And says he doesn't want to talk about it because his blood pressure goes up. Its funny how karma bites that ass! Either mentally of fiscally or physically. See my dad thought he was going to ruin us and that we would dwindle away... oh no buddy. My mother is the strongest woman ever she paid off the house and bought 6 more, put my sister through college, took care of me, and is helping me pay for my schooling. She is amazing but I must admit I was blind to that for a while. I had on my "Daddy's Little Girl Shades." lol I was so in love with this man he could do no wrong. He worked a good five minutes from my grandmothers house where we had to move. And I saw him maybe once month. One time he came on Christmas eve and took me to the Rite Aide to pick up some Christmas presents.... and to introduce me to the woman he left us for. She was a bus girl at the restaurant he managed and is now my step mother. One time I went to their house and found out I had a 3month old Baby Brother. The next time I went over my brother was crawling and found his way under the bed.... I went under with him and found out my father had been married for a year. I was not invited to the baby shower, the birth or the wedding. Damn right?! lol It's so funny now because he tries to claim some of my success but doesn't realize he had nothing to with it... my mistake he did. After chasing his car down the drive way, calling his phone only to hear the number changed, missed award ceremonies, science fairs, graduations and ballet recitals. I am getting over and realized he contributed to me being afraid to love something to much. This has made me string in good and bad ways. I am always on edge with guys. I can't really love with out consequence. I can't find time to be happy. I can't go without crying for long. Sometimes tears come out and I have no idea why?? Then I think they are just tears that I was suppose to cry before and missed. Or are they premature for the next set of problems. I thought of suicide at the age of ten through thirteen. Until I met the first love of my life. He was short and yellow and showed me that the world wasn't over until he said it was a little later cheating on me. I still talk to him to this day and actually spoke with him a little before writing this. He left me because I wouldn't love him they way he wanted me too. I wouldn't let him take my virginity. Now that may sound like the right thing to do , stand up for myself, so why do I feel like it was a mistake? Why did I regret it? It wasn't until I met the older man who would love me and be the daddy I needed. He told me what to do, how to do it, when and where. He manipulated my every move. I was to the point of dependency. I felt like a woman. My mother didn't know about him and thought I was just growing up on my own. And that started the beginning of my Great Expectations. My mother is an acute sufferer of anemia, high blood pressure and Bitter Black Woman Syndrome. And has molded me to be the Lady she wishes she would have been sans my father and others. She has made me the man eater she thinks I should be. Telling me that Love is good but stability is better. In walks Mr. Robbie Charles Jackson. He was the one. My mother loved him and made it her goal to make me perfect for him. She groomed me to be the one he would want and never have. See Robbie was the high school 7 foot 2 basketball player, that every girl would want. He was a meal ticket. My mother didn't see it like that. She thought he was capatable because I would be the educated black woman he would need. See her philosophy is to have your own. When my father left us with no money she said never again would a man have so much power over her future. And from this came my mantra: See because
"I'm not a real Gold Digger, I want you to have money so that when I get
mine you won't ask for any... plus who digs for dirt?"
Now I said that when I was in the tenth grade of high school and I swear it was written on every bathroom stall with me in quotations lol. But it is the truth. See Robbie loves me endlessly because I spoke the truth gave it to me straight and never held back. He has issues with his mother anyway, so it was inevitable that we would have issues. A girl looking for a dad and a boy looking for a mother is not as good as it sounds. So then comes several other high school loves and Robbie and I would continue off and on until freshmen year of college. That ended with a phone call and alot of comforting from someone close who was there without even asking. See all these relationship problems stem from me being afraid of commitment and fearful of heart break. Now some of my past beaus might say I always had to be in control and always have to run the show.... I'm sorry!! See that's my way of wearing knee and elbow pads, the helmet and a mouth guard anticipating the fall from love. See now this is where (enter father) is suppose to happen. See daddy's are suppose to come in and make things better..... oh no no I have to be the one suffering. But that has changed. 2008 is a very power full year in my life. Now I don't have a new years resolution but I intend to grow alot, I think that is good enough. See around January4th I had a battle royale with my father and I mean it was bad. Too the point where I felt like I was having a heart attack. My little brother and I have always been tight regardless if I see him less and less, but I wanted to take him to my nieces birthday party. Now when I asked my father could I do this he sat down in the bathroom with me while I was straightening my hair for work and said to me "I am afraid of what your mother might do to him." What the hell! Is he nuts.... my mother is the same woman who took care of 15 foster children even when he left us. Yet she is going to do something to hurt my brother? My first response is, she hasn't done anything to you and you owe her thousands in back child support! He said that is why he thought she would do that. That's crazy right? Maybe not in some cases but if you knew my mother and her affiliation you would understand that is not something she stands for. So I packed my stuff kissed my brother good bye and drove off. I couldn't do it anymore. I was later cut off in the car by my step mother. She and I talked on the side of the road and I went back after I got off of work. When I saw my father he acted as if none of that had happened? He said he didn't understand why I left like that or why I was upset? Is out of his f'ing mind?....YES. Well this is the part that scares me more... will I be like him, am I destined to be him? My mother always says that I have his attitude and his temper. This scares me and angers me at the same time. It angers me more when people say I look like him. To the point where I almost want to have reconstruction surgery like Michael Jackson lol. But its not that bad. I mean you are suppose to learn from your parents mistakes right? But I thought they were always right? So I guess that idea goes out the door with Santa and the Tooth Stealer?... Yeah. lol I get angry at my friends, rush people and say mean things but then I want them to forget about it as easy as I can, and that makes me scared. I feel like sometimes its a split personality that comes out of me and I can't control it. Like I have the angel and the devil on my shoulders and sometimes the bad side wins. But how can I have so much of him in me if he wasn't there??? Is it in my blood like a disease..... is it something there is a cure for, some kind of cleanser or transfusion?? lol I try to visit my father when I can mainly to see my brother, but I know if he keeps down the road he will not live as long life as he could and I would hate to not have ANY memories of him. It's funny I had a friend who didn't know her father, and she would always say how lucky I was to have a dad, that's only because she saw him on good days. See they say its better to love and lost than not love at all, I don't know how valid that is,but you can't miss something you never had, and ignorance is bliss,I guess not. I guess I'm stuck. It makes me so angry I could scream but then again..... I am my fathers daughter.